As the weather gets warmer and canoodling couples take up residence on every available park bench, you may be thinking of turning up the heat in your own relationship. If so, you are not alone! Writer Lily White certainly had the subject in mind when she penned this hilarious and insightful New York Times piece titled, “Let’s Not Pretend to be Who We Aren’t.” We share it with you today in hopes to start a fruitful conversation about sex… to be continued in our next post! Today, enjoy Lily’s article, and take the following quiz – designed by Dr. John Gottman himself – to check up on the state of your sex life.

Quiz: 

Assessing the quality of sex, romance, and passion in your relationship.

Get out a pen and paper. For each question, write down the letter corresponding to the box that better describes your relationship right now!

1. Is the relationship…

☐ A. Romantic and passionate?
☐ B. Becoming passionless (fire going out)?

2. I would say that…
☐ A. My partner is verbally affectionate.
☐ B. My partner is not very verbally affectionate.

3. I would say that…
☐ A. My partner expresses love and admiration to me.
☐ B. My partner expresses love or admiration less frequently these days.

4. I would say that…
☐ A. We do touch each other a fair amount.
☐ B. We rarely touch each other these days.

5. I would say that…
☐ A. My partner courts me sexually.
☐ B. My partner does not court me sexually.

6. I would say that…
☐ A. We do cuddle with one another.
☐ B. We rarely cuddle with one another

7. I would say that…
☐ A. We still have our tender and passionate moments.
☐ B. We have few tender or passionate moments.

8. I would say that…
☐ A. It feels like our sex life is fine.
☐ B. It feels like there are definite problems in this area.

9. I would say that…
☐ A. The frequency of sex is not a problem
☐ B. The frequency of sex is a problem.

10. I would say that…
☐ A. The satisfaction that I get from sex is not a problem
☐ B. The satisfaction that I get from sex is a problem

11. I would say that…
☐ A. Being able to just talk about sex, or talk about sexual problems, is not a serious issue between us.
☐ B. Being able to just talk about sex, or talk about sexual problems, is a serious issue between us.

12. I would say that…
☐ A. The two of us generally want the same thing sexually.
☐ B. The two of us want different things sexually.

13. I would say that…
☐ A. Differences in desire are not an issue in this relationship.
☐ B. Differences in desire are an issue in this relationship.

14. I would say that…
☐ A. The amount of “love” in our lovemaking is not a problem.
☐ B. The amount of “love” in our lovemaking is a problem.

15. I would say that…
☐ A. The satisfaction my partner gets from sex is not a problem.
☐ B. The satisfaction my partner gets from sex is a problem.

16. I would say that…
☐ A. My partner is still very physically affectionate toward me.
☐ B. My partner is not very physically affectionate toward me.

17. I would say that…
☐ A. I feel romantic toward my partner.
☐ B. I do not feel very romantic toward my partner.

18. I would say that…
☐ A. My partner finds me sexually attractive.
☐ B. My partner does not find me sexually attractive.

19. I would say that…
☐ A. I find my partner sexually attractive.
☐ B. I do not view my partner as sexually attractive.

20. In this relationship…
☐ A. I feel romantic and passionate toward my partner.
☐ B. I feel passionless, my own fire is going out.

21. In this relationship…
☐ A. My partner is romantic and passionate.
☐ B. My partner is passionless, that is, the fire is going out in my partner.

22. I would say that…
☐ A. The satisfaction I get from sex is not a problem.
☐ B. The satisfaction I get from sex is a problem.

23. I would say that…
☐ A. My partner compliments my appearance.
☐ B. My partner does not compliment my appearance.

24. I would say that…
☐ A. I am satisfied by how we initiate sex.
☐ B. I am dissatisfied with the ways we initiate sex.

25. I would say that…
☐ A. It is possible for me to refuse sex and have it be okay.
☐ B. I am unable to refuse sex and have it be okay with my partner.

26. I would say that…
☐ A. I hardly ever have sex when I don’t want to.
☐ B. It seems as if I often have sex when I don’t want to.

27. I would say that…
☐ A. We have many ways to satisfy one another sexually.
☐ B. We have very few ways to satisfy one another sexually.

28. Overall I would say that…
☐ A. We are good sexual partners.
☐ B. We are not very good sexual partners.

Scoring:
Count all the times you checked “A.” Divide that number by 28, and then multiply it by 100. That is your score. If you scored greater than 80%, your relationship is doing well in terms of affection, sex, romance, and passion. If you still have concerns and/or scored lower than 80%, you might want to check out The Gott Sex? Series: The Art and Science of Lovemaking for help improving this area of your personal life. Whatever your score is, be sure to tuned for some helpful tips from Dr. Gottman in our next posting on Friday!


More in The Archives

Quiz: What Is The State of Your Sex Life?
Ellie Lisitsa

Ellie Lisitsa is a staff writer at The Gottman Institute and a regular contributor to The Gottman Relationship Blog. Ellie is pursuing her B.A. in Psychology with an emphasis on Cognitive Dissonance at Reed College in Portland, Oregon.